I haven’t posted in awhile because I’ve had nothing to say. Things have been tough. In my first post, I said I’d record my failures in my spiritual journey. Well, here’s my opportunity.

In my quest to make God my central focus and not music, I’ve been failing miserably. I miss it so much, you have no idea. The music is back, almost completely. There was a band I felt God wanted me to give up, that I’m listening to alot… But there’s another band that would more than likely signify my complete backsliding that I haven’t listened to yet. I feel that some of the music I gave up could actually come back without negative consequences, but I don’t want just some of it, I want all of it.

I’ve found the place where I feel I belong. Is that so wrong?

I’m loving the journals, gosh, they’ve been updating a lot. And their words are incredibly drawing, their words are so compelling. They just fit. I can’t even describe it.

As I sit here, thinking over it all. I don’t even know how to feel. My first reaction is to hide it under the rug, pretend there is no problem and to keep going. But I can’t. I feel like I’m on ‘pause’ while the rest of my life is on ‘play’. It’s incredibly irritating, incredibly hard to bear.

This is not a good place to be in at all, but part of me loves the familiarity. I’m used to living with that uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. Why change now?

You know, all of my good qualities? – they’re an almost direct result of my desire to emulate these men/women. But some of my bad qualities stem from my involvement in this scene, I can admit that

What’s wrong with wanting to belong to something bigger than myself? What’s wrong with accepting the positive of this scene, while rejecting the negative?

I feel that I’m almost there, I was so close to striking a perfect balance, but then the scales tipped and resulted in my downfall.

Even though this will solidify my position as a nerd, this description from The Fellowship of the Ring perfectly sums it up: I feel like I stand on the edge of a knife, if I stray but a little, I will fall, to the ruin of myself.

[For the record, that quote was very butchered in an attempt to make it fit, okay? So don't worry, I know what it really is...]