I haven’t posted in forever. Sorry. [Do people even read this anyway?]
There’s been a lot going on in my life, but God has been faithful…. For the longest time, I felt so creatively stifled, but I’ve finally been able to start writing again, so I’m posting 2 of my poems. The first I just wrote (like 15 minutes ago). It’s going straight from paper to this blog. The second, I’ve had for a long time. For me, it’s intensely personal, but I’m going to post it anyway. Both of these come from a place inside of me that I rarely show to other people, so please understand that they may seem a little strange…
As Absurd as Soup for Breakfast at 2 in the Afternoon
I want things to be the way they used to be
But what was the way they used to be?
Didn’t I hate life then?
Struggling, fighting to survive
To shake my dependencies
To no longer feel alone
To finally feel contentment?
Why must this life be categorized by fights and struggles?
By deep sorrow and sadness
By depression, despair and fatigue?
Why must I hate everyone and everything around me?
Why must I love what I should hate?
Why do I not turn to what truly satisfies?
This indwelling sin and reluctance gets old
Why can’t I kill it?
Why don’t I want to kill it?
Why do I fight with the truth?
An uphill battle, not worth fighting
One I will always lose…
PW
You still mean the world to me
I have no idea why
I can’t let you go
I need to
But every fiber in my being screams out
NO!
what will life be like without you?
I forget you, then there you are again
sometimes I wish I had never heard of you
this obsession should stop
but it is my driving force
why can’t I let you go?
I miss you, but I can’t stand how you make me feel
Your words are empty
I don’t need you to stand on my own feet
what you offer will not satisfy
I must turn to what truly satisfies
you, however, are not part of that equation
and you never will be
you do not hold my joy
you increase my pain
you say we “get off on being down”
masochistic
you exasperate my negativity
you are a broken man
but you helped me
and I love you for that
but you hurt me
I could look past that
but because the hurt continues
because I’ve become good at shadowing your thoughts
I can’t get over this
you’ve gotten in my mind because I let you in
invitation only
and you got yours
1st class, rush delivery
and you don’t even want it to help me
you want it for yourself
a slice of comfort in your deliciously masochistic life
you will not devour me
I will prevail
Never forgetting you
always pressing on
never forgetting my ability to live without you
never forgetting your inability to live without me, without all of us
you must find a true cornerstone to lean on
we will always let you down
“the Bible in the drawer never did anything for you”
because you never let it
you chose to ignore it
it did not choose to ignore you
you are prideful, arrogant and broken
never able to stand on your own feet
leaning on the empty praise of others
a pied piper, you lead us on
never accepting our tragic end
thinking always of yourself
loving how it makes you feel
forgetting that our joy, and yours, will be temporary and fleeting
when will you see that?
when will you see that you do not hold the key?
you see your inadequacies, but your warnings of yourself are not strong enough
