“Call me or text me anytime”

You don’t know how much that phrase means to me.  You don’t know how happy it makes me to hear it from several different people. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys (you know who you are).

In the times when my life feels like it’s falling apart, you guys are there to help me pull it back together, to pick the broken pieces up and move on.

There were times in my life when I felt completely alone. You guys remind me that I’m not. God has blessed me with your friendship and I thank him for you.

I hope I can help you as much as you’ve help me. I’m here for you too, k? Love you guys!

On a completely different note, I’ve been listening to this song on repeat. It’s one of my favorites and incredibly enncouraging to me. Interestingly enough, when I first heard the album this song is on, this was not one of my favorites, but the lyrics have taken on their own meaning in my life. I hope you like them as much as I do.

“To Whom It May Concern”

So hold your head up high and know it’s not the end of the road
Walk down this beaten path before you pack your things and head home
At the end of the road you’ll find what you’ve been longing for

I know ’cause my feet have scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home

It’s time for you to press on
This is not your war
Set your sights to North and press on
This is not your escape
Wash away what they thought of you
Because in this place, we’re all as good as dead
…end cycle…

Behind the mask you’ll find yourself alone
It’s not the end of the road for you…

Sarah and Hannah babysit the cutest little kid. His name is Julian, but they call him Jujubee. He’s only 5. Today Sarah woke me up and asked me if I could watch him because she needed to do something and, like the responsible babysitter that she is, she didn’t want to leave him alone. (She’s still in the house by the way, it’s not like she just up and went to see a movie).

So I got out of bed, half asleep to watch a very much awake 5 year old boy. I took him on the porch and he immediately saw our hammock.

“What’s that?”

“A hammock”

He then tried unsuccessfully to get on it. “I don’t think I can get on”

“okay”

I didn’t realize that that was his way of asking for help.

Two minutes later he was back by the hammock, trying to get back on. He looked quite frightened. So I went over to him.

“Okay, I can help you get on. Look, I’m holding it, so it won’t rock. Now just get on with your back first, then swing your legs around. No, onto the hammock, yeah, there you go. Now you’re on!!”

After exactly 1 minute of rocking and asking me a billion questions he decided he was bored.

This little conversation really struck me. How many times does God ask us to do something and we need help with it, but won’t ask him? Or he gives us directions, but we doubt them? Or how many times do we misinterpret his directions, and try to get on a hammock feet first? Or we doubt that God really has the situation under control (like when I held the hammock for Jujubee).

How great is is that we have a God who is very patient and will give us all we need to follow him! He will never leave us or forsake us! I find great comfort in that.

Fear is a funny thing. It can be extremely paralyzing. In His Word, God calls us to not fear. Before NA 08, I really felt God calling me to give my fear to him. He’s been laying his hand on this issue in my heart and I really hope to grow in this over the next couple of months. Two truths that God has given me to cling to (and that I hope to memorize) are:

2 Timothy 2:7: For God gave us not a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control.

and

1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

While at NA, God also reminded me of his faithfulness. Look at all he has saved me from!! He has always been there for me, He has never let me down, so why do I not have cause to trust Him?

As God calls me to follow him in this short journey called life, I have to be aware of the fact that he will ask me to do hard things for his name’s sake, but I have to be even more aware of the fact that he will be with me every step of the way, that his grace will carry me, that he will never give me more than I can handle, that he WILL be faithful to me.

How amazing is it that we have a sovereign God!?!

God did amazing things!!

Okay, background:

The messages I heard at New Attitude 2007 changed my life, but not during that weekend. Let me explain. When I went to New Attitude 2007 I was into a very negative music scene (see my 2 first posts), I did not want to be there and I was very depressed and suicidal. While at NA 07 I felt God calling me to give all of that up and follow him. I was not obedient to that command for a very long time and I entered one of the darkest, godless times of my life. Through my care group and the faithfulness of God, and intense struggle, God had allowed me to take the beginning steps to kill this sin in my life.

Fast forward to NA 08. I felt God reminding me of his faithfulness. Last year, I hated being there, this year I went with anticipation. God had so much in store for me!! Last year, I couldn’t worship because I was focused on myself. This year I was excited to praise my God, I never wanted it to end, and was moved to tears on an almost regular basis. I was most struck by a pattern in the lyrics. A common theme was the fact that if God hadn’t moved, I would never follow him. That was so true in my life!!! He reached into the depths of my depression and pulled me out, kicking and screaming, to bring me to Himself. How kind of Him, to save me, a sinner! If not for him, I wouldn’t be here, as I already had specific plans to end my life. I’m so incredibly amazed that God would want to save me, not for what I’ve done, but because He chose me. Glory be to God because it all belongs to him!!

While at NA 08, I could finally feel God’s presence again. You see, I have always been afraid of getting close to God, specifically of hearing from him in supernatural ways. At a young age, God blessed me with a few prophecies, as well as allowing me to speak in tongues. Through my sinful fear, I asked God to give me space because I thought all of this was too much for me. Running from God’s presence eventually caught up with me and I’m now trying, by his grace, to run towards him. This has involved working towards giving up my fear and trusting in him. This is a hard step for me, but I feel God moving me towards this. My sisters encouraged me to stop fearing God. They pointed out to me how silly that is. I mean, think about it, really think about it. That is such a false thing to feel. God is my salvation. Look at all he’s done for me. As it says in Romans(8:32): If he did not spare his Only Son, how will He not also with Him, graciously give us all things. What do I have to fear? I have the Almighty God on my side!! Well, I felt God returning my gifts to me, he laid a burden on my heart that one of my friends was struggling with something, so, with his strength, I stepped out in faith and asked her. I shouldn’t have doubted God, because this impression was right and I had the privilege of praying for her, as well as another friend of mine! How great is His faithfulness!!

I was also extremely blessed to talk with my friend Bethany Davis. (You can read her story on her blog: http://notwsetapart.wordpress.com/). We share a common burden to do great things for the Lord, to proclaim his name in nontraditional, very specific ways.  As she was sharing her burdens, I got a specific impression, and, once again, it was what she was feeling. I felt so blessed to be able to share all of this with her! To share my crazy ideas, my crazy ways I want to reach the world for Christ. (I don’t know if I want to share them with the world yet, maybe eventually…). I feel God wants to use me, as he wants to use all of us, and I feel very excited and lucky to be able to proclaim his name for his glory.

So, as I left NA, as I looked back, I was overwhelmed with God’s kindness, and excited to follow him. I was also aware that I could definitely go back home and forget it all, how easy (but hard in the end) it could be to not apply any of it. But I remember how life changing last year’s messages were and I can’t wait to experience that type of grace again. So, I want to apply all I learned, I want to seek accountability to change, and I want to grow closer to my amazing Savior!!

What did YOU learn at NA 08? Please, I want to hear your story!