There are a few blogs that I read religiously. One being www.modesty.blogspot.com . This is written by one of my favorite authors (he’s also a musician). His latest post is on the connection between trials and who we are today. What happens to us shapes how we react to the world around us, and trials and hardships are no different. Without them perhaps we would not be as able to sympathize, empathize or even just ‘give a damn’. I can see how true this is in my own life.

My sisters and I regularly discuss the time my family took in foster children. This was such a heartbreaking, emotionally turbulent time for all of us. A conclusion that we have drawn is that you can’t understand how that season of life felt to us, unless you’ve been through it yourself. That is one of the reasons I believe God allows us to go through trials. Because of tough times, we are able to relate to, and consequently encourage, those who go through similarly trying times.

I’m a huge fan of the book Peter Pan by J. M. Barrie. I feel that this book perfectly captures what it means to be a child, and how one’s imagination works, even as an adult. In one of my favorite scenes, Peter is fighting with Captain Hook and Hook starts ‘fighting dirty’, that is breaking the rules of a fair fight. In this poignant scene, Peter is shocked by this. The idea that anyone can break a rule, that to him seemed fundamental, was unthinkable to him. I believe that this is the loss of innocence. There is no turning back from this point. Knowing that sin exists, that there are bad things out there, illuminates the world like never before, though not in an appealing manner (similar to the Garden of Eden and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil). The beauty of the child known as Peter Pan is that he instantly forgets this. The ‘first time’ he encounters unfairness is repeated, again and again, because his mind is incapable of remembering it. This, I believe is an essential lesson to be learned, one I’m still trying to grasp. Even when life throws us a curve, even when it feels like everything is going wrong, we need to almost ‘forget’ that bad things happen and move on. Dwelling on that which haunts us, only makes matters worse…

I’m not saying to see the world through rose colored glasses, to pretend that all is always well when it’s not, but I do believe that there is a time when we can move forward with our life, and see the good that exists. To hold our heads high and say, “yeah, life can get me down, yeah, it’s going to happen again and again, but I’m going to act as if it won’t, i’m going to keep living and hope for the best, knowing that the worst can happen, and choosing to ignore that”.

Or as Chris (www.askheychris.livejournal.com) puts it: “I have three things for the machine: two swear fingers and a smile”

Sarah and Hannah babysit the cutest little kid. His name is Julian, but they call him Jujubee. He’s only 5. Today Sarah woke me up and asked me if I could watch him because she needed to do something and, like the responsible babysitter that she is, she didn’t want to leave him alone. (She’s still in the house by the way, it’s not like she just up and went to see a movie).

So I got out of bed, half asleep to watch a very much awake 5 year old boy. I took him on the porch and he immediately saw our hammock.

“What’s that?”

“A hammock”

He then tried unsuccessfully to get on it. “I don’t think I can get on”

“okay”

I didn’t realize that that was his way of asking for help.

Two minutes later he was back by the hammock, trying to get back on. He looked quite frightened. So I went over to him.

“Okay, I can help you get on. Look, I’m holding it, so it won’t rock. Now just get on with your back first, then swing your legs around. No, onto the hammock, yeah, there you go. Now you’re on!!”

After exactly 1 minute of rocking and asking me a billion questions he decided he was bored.

This little conversation really struck me. How many times does God ask us to do something and we need help with it, but won’t ask him? Or he gives us directions, but we doubt them? Or how many times do we misinterpret his directions, and try to get on a hammock feet first? Or we doubt that God really has the situation under control (like when I held the hammock for Jujubee).

How great is is that we have a God who is very patient and will give us all we need to follow him! He will never leave us or forsake us! I find great comfort in that.

Fear is a funny thing. It can be extremely paralyzing. In His Word, God calls us to not fear. Before NA 08, I really felt God calling me to give my fear to him. He’s been laying his hand on this issue in my heart and I really hope to grow in this over the next couple of months. Two truths that God has given me to cling to (and that I hope to memorize) are:

2 Timothy 2:7: For God gave us not a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control.

and

1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

While at NA, God also reminded me of his faithfulness. Look at all he has saved me from!! He has always been there for me, He has never let me down, so why do I not have cause to trust Him?

As God calls me to follow him in this short journey called life, I have to be aware of the fact that he will ask me to do hard things for his name’s sake, but I have to be even more aware of the fact that he will be with me every step of the way, that his grace will carry me, that he will never give me more than I can handle, that he WILL be faithful to me.

How amazing is it that we have a sovereign God!?!

God did amazing things!!

Okay, background:

The messages I heard at New Attitude 2007 changed my life, but not during that weekend. Let me explain. When I went to New Attitude 2007 I was into a very negative music scene (see my 2 first posts), I did not want to be there and I was very depressed and suicidal. While at NA 07 I felt God calling me to give all of that up and follow him. I was not obedient to that command for a very long time and I entered one of the darkest, godless times of my life. Through my care group and the faithfulness of God, and intense struggle, God had allowed me to take the beginning steps to kill this sin in my life.

Fast forward to NA 08. I felt God reminding me of his faithfulness. Last year, I hated being there, this year I went with anticipation. God had so much in store for me!! Last year, I couldn’t worship because I was focused on myself. This year I was excited to praise my God, I never wanted it to end, and was moved to tears on an almost regular basis. I was most struck by a pattern in the lyrics. A common theme was the fact that if God hadn’t moved, I would never follow him. That was so true in my life!!! He reached into the depths of my depression and pulled me out, kicking and screaming, to bring me to Himself. How kind of Him, to save me, a sinner! If not for him, I wouldn’t be here, as I already had specific plans to end my life. I’m so incredibly amazed that God would want to save me, not for what I’ve done, but because He chose me. Glory be to God because it all belongs to him!!

While at NA 08, I could finally feel God’s presence again. You see, I have always been afraid of getting close to God, specifically of hearing from him in supernatural ways. At a young age, God blessed me with a few prophecies, as well as allowing me to speak in tongues. Through my sinful fear, I asked God to give me space because I thought all of this was too much for me. Running from God’s presence eventually caught up with me and I’m now trying, by his grace, to run towards him. This has involved working towards giving up my fear and trusting in him. This is a hard step for me, but I feel God moving me towards this. My sisters encouraged me to stop fearing God. They pointed out to me how silly that is. I mean, think about it, really think about it. That is such a false thing to feel. God is my salvation. Look at all he’s done for me. As it says in Romans(8:32): If he did not spare his Only Son, how will He not also with Him, graciously give us all things. What do I have to fear? I have the Almighty God on my side!! Well, I felt God returning my gifts to me, he laid a burden on my heart that one of my friends was struggling with something, so, with his strength, I stepped out in faith and asked her. I shouldn’t have doubted God, because this impression was right and I had the privilege of praying for her, as well as another friend of mine! How great is His faithfulness!!

I was also extremely blessed to talk with my friend Bethany Davis. (You can read her story on her blog: http://notwsetapart.wordpress.com/). We share a common burden to do great things for the Lord, to proclaim his name in nontraditional, very specific ways.  As she was sharing her burdens, I got a specific impression, and, once again, it was what she was feeling. I felt so blessed to be able to share all of this with her! To share my crazy ideas, my crazy ways I want to reach the world for Christ. (I don’t know if I want to share them with the world yet, maybe eventually…). I feel God wants to use me, as he wants to use all of us, and I feel very excited and lucky to be able to proclaim his name for his glory.

So, as I left NA, as I looked back, I was overwhelmed with God’s kindness, and excited to follow him. I was also aware that I could definitely go back home and forget it all, how easy (but hard in the end) it could be to not apply any of it. But I remember how life changing last year’s messages were and I can’t wait to experience that type of grace again. So, I want to apply all I learned, I want to seek accountability to change, and I want to grow closer to my amazing Savior!!

What did YOU learn at NA 08? Please, I want to hear your story!

As Absurd as Soup for Breakfast at 2 in the Afternoon

I haven’t posted in forever. Sorry. [Do people even read this anyway?]

There’s been a lot going on in my life, but God has been faithful…. For the longest time, I felt so creatively stifled, but I’ve finally been able to start writing again, so I’m posting 2 of my poems. The first I just wrote (like 15 minutes ago). It’s going straight from paper to this blog. The second, I’ve had for a long time. For me, it’s intensely personal, but I’m going to post it anyway. Both of these come from a place inside of me that I rarely show to other people, so please understand that they may seem a little strange…

I want things to be the way they used to be

But what was the way they used to be?

Didn’t I hate life then?

Struggling, fighting to survive

To shake my dependencies

To no longer feel alone

To finally feel contentment?

Why must this life be categorized by fights and struggles?

By deep sorrow and sadness

By depression, despair and fatigue?

Why must I hate everyone and everything around me?

Why must I love what I should hate?

Why do I not turn to what truly satisfies?

This indwelling sin and reluctance gets old

Why can’t I kill it?

Why don’t I want to kill it?

Why do I fight with the truth?

An uphill battle, not worth fighting

One I will always lose…

PW

You still mean the world to me

I have no idea why

I can’t let you go

I need to

But every fiber in my being screams out

NO!

what will life be like without you?

I forget you, then there you are again

sometimes I wish I had never heard of you

this obsession should stop

but it is my driving force

why can’t I let you go?

I miss you, but I can’t stand how you make me feel

Your words are empty

I don’t need you to stand on my own feet

what you offer will not satisfy

I must turn to what truly satisfies

you, however, are not part of that equation

and you never will be

you do not hold my joy

you increase my pain

you say we “get off on being down”

masochistic

you exasperate my negativity

you are a broken man

but you helped me

and I love you for that

but you hurt me

I could look past that

but because the hurt continues

because I’ve become good at shadowing your thoughts

I can’t get over this

you’ve gotten in my mind because I let you in

invitation only

and you got yours

1^st class, rush delivery

and you don’t even want it to help me

you want it for yourself

a slice of comfort in your deliciously masochistic life

you will not devour me

I will prevail

Never forgetting you

always pressing on

never forgetting my ability to live without you

never forgetting your inability to live without me, without all of us

you must find a true cornerstone to lean on

we will always let you down

“the Bible in the drawer never did anything for you”

because you never let it

you chose to ignore it

it did not choose to ignore you

you are prideful, arrogant and broken

never able to stand on your own feet

leaning on the empty praise of others

a pied piper, you lead us on

never accepting our tragic end

thinking always of yourself

loving how it makes you feel

forgetting that our joy, and yours, will be temporary and fleeting

when will you see that?

when will you see that you do not hold the key?

you see your inadequacies, but your warnings of yourself are not strong enough

I haven’t posted in awhile because I’ve had nothing to say. Things have been tough. In my first post, I said I’d record my failures in my spiritual journey. Well, here’s my opportunity.

In my quest to make God my central focus and not music, I’ve been failing miserably. I miss it so much, you have no idea. The music is back, almost completely. There was a band I felt God wanted me to give up, that I’m listening to alot… But there’s another band that would more than likely signify my complete backsliding that I haven’t listened to yet. I feel that some of the music I gave up could actually come back without negative consequences, but I don’t want just some of it, I want all of it.

I’ve found the place where I feel I belong. Is that so wrong?

I’m loving the journals, gosh, they’ve been updating a lot. And their words are incredibly drawing, their words are so compelling. They just fit. I can’t even describe it.

As I sit here, thinking over it all. I don’t even know how to feel. My first reaction is to hide it under the rug, pretend there is no problem and to keep going. But I can’t. I feel like I’m on ‘pause’ while the rest of my life is on ‘play’. It’s incredibly irritating, incredibly hard to bear.

This is not a good place to be in at all, but part of me loves the familiarity. I’m used to living with that uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. Why change now?

You know, all of my good qualities? – they’re an almost direct result of my desire to emulate these men/women. But some of my bad qualities stem from my involvement in this scene, I can admit that

What’s wrong with wanting to belong to something bigger than myself? What’s wrong with accepting the positive of this scene, while rejecting the negative?

I feel that I’m almost there, I was so close to striking a perfect balance, but then the scales tipped and resulted in my downfall.

Even though this will solidify my position as a nerd, this description from The Fellowship of the Ring perfectly sums it up: I feel like I stand on the edge of a knife, if I stray but a little, I will fall, to the ruin of myself.

[For the record, that quote was very butchered in an attempt to make it fit, okay? So don't worry, I know what it really is...]

Last night, I had my care group over to discuss with each other the wonders God worked in our lives at The Clash. God’s spirit was moving and it was amazing. The ever-present reminder of his presence is a great reminder of his faithfulness.    Since I have come back from the Clash, the spiritual warfare that I’ve been encountering has at times been overwhelming, but even in this, I am reminded of God’s promise to me in 2 Timothy 1:7, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control.”

I know that meditating on this verse, and holding onto its promise will help me through the spiritual battles that I encounter. If you think of me, please pray for me in this. It’s easy to become weary and frightened.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God has another great promise for me: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Was insane. I can’t even describe it. Though eventually I will try. I’m thinking a 24-part blog series. Ha ha ha…

God showed me so much about myself while I was there, he also showed me alot about his people. But I’m most excited that he showed me about himself, because he’s the most important thing in my life. (well, at least he should be)

All the speakers at the Clash were extremely humble men. They were all very smart and had reason to be proud, but they weren’t. That stuck in my mind more than any lecture could. I was also struck with their passion. You could tell they loved talking about God, about theology, doctrine, apologetics and philosophy, but their excitement for those things was nothing compared to the passion in their voices when they recounted the Gospel. That’s one of the main things I took away from this amazing conference.

What did you learn at the Clash?

Two weeks ago my pastor preached a sermon on worldliness. As I was contemplating this choice of topic before the service began, I was a little nervous because I knew that I would be convicted on this. I’ve heard sermons on worldliness many times (including a 3-day conference!), so I knew what was coming, and, I confess, I did not want to hear it.

As I was listening to the verses (James 4:1-10), I was particularly struck with verse 4:

“You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.” [ESV, emphasis added]

I had never considered this in relation to my motives. Sure, I want to be a part of the world, but it never occurred to me that just the desire was a sin. After hearing that, I knew that what I was involved in was a problem. I also knew what God was calling me to do (once again).

Over memorial day weekend I attended a Christian conference called New Attitude. The theme was discernment, and one of the messages was discernment in relation to culture. I was very convicted by this sermon because I love my music culture. I’ve nearly completely immersed myself in the “scene” and almost everything that goes with it.

Usually, when I explain that to people, they have a hard time understanding what I mean by “scene” or “emo”, so I will try to explain this to the best of my ability. After scouring the culture wasteland known as urbandictionary.com, I have chosen (in my opinion) the best definition of an emo kid:

1) The fans of emo music (emocore, emotional hardcore), a music genre consisting of hardcore rock with angsty lyrics and a good dose of screaming. The singers/screamers of emo music are typically relatively young guys with feminine voices. Emo bands are also (in stereotype) primarily from New Jersey.

2) The style of clothing stereotypically worn by fans of emo music. This consists of, in general: tight band t-shirts or vintage 80’s t-shirts, longer (messy) hair often died black, tight (usual girl’s) pants, shoes by Vans or Converse, messenger bags, anything checkered (usually black-and-white or black-and-pink), studded belts, thick-framed glasses, neckties, etc.
(Note: girl emo kids often cut their hair short in the back and angled down in the front, less often died black)

3) The mood that stereotypically displays being an emo kid. They are generally considered the subculture of high-school, and while sometimes referred to as manic depressive or “cutters,” are usually quite social. Very romantic, often downtrodden. More realistically, teenagers who listen to heavy music and have no qualms with displaying their emotions. (ie, don’t feel the need to prove themselves as “bad-@$$,” like many rock fans.)

Emo kids listen to many of the following bands: Thursday, Death Cab for Cutie, UnderOath, Fall Out Boy, Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance, As Cities Burn, etc.

There is, of course, a very negative side to this scene. Following your emotions constantly can lead to big problems. The most commonly thought of negative things in the scene include: cutting, suicide, sex, and homosexuality. While I am not involved in any of these things, I am very arrogant in thinking that I will never be pulled into them. If I am walking down this road of “emo-ness”, what makes me think I can stop before the really negative things encompass me?

I’ve been discussing these convictions for some time now with my care group. They always encourage me and exhort me to give them up so I can follow God fully. I’ve always been hesitant. This past Thursday’s meeting, I finally saw the depth of this sin. I had made my music, a musician, a man who is just as messed up as I am, my ‘god’. He became my comfort, what I clung to. He always said that he wanted to “create a culture that people felt they could be a part of”, well, good job, man, you did that in my life and it nearly ruined my relationship with God.

I’ve always had a hard time connecting head knowledge with my heart. I can never seem to apply anything, but this time it’s different. I gave over $500 worth of band merch/cd’s/posters/shirts/hoodies to a friend to keep for me until I feel I can take them back without making an idol out of all of it. To be honest, I don’t feel I’ll ever be able to take some of it back. Some of the lyrics of bands that I adore, are way too rebellious to continue to listen to. With that in mind, keeping the clothes and jewelry that represents those views would be hypocritical (talk about being a poser…), so I’ll more than likely sell all of it on ebay (anyone interested in an old Arma Angelus cd and poster?).

If you have suggestions for Christian music (hardcore, emo, punk or even more mellow stuff) let me know!