I am alive in Christ











{June 30, 2009}   for you…

I have no words for how I feel, but I had a request for an update, so I’m updating in the words of This Providence…who can always describe how I feel

Our Flag is White

i’ll run and hide under my bed
you’re calling my name from outside my door but i’m not ready yet
for a revolution to start in me

’cause i’m just scared of losing control
i’m terrified of who i’ll become with you
i’m just scared
the world hates you and it’s gonna hate me too

a cry for help rings in your ear
i’m calling your name from inside this hole that i’ve dug myself into
it’s so wrong
my self-centered prayers as if you don’t care for anyone but me
give me a day
that’s all it takes for me to turn my back on you

’cause i’m just scared of losing control
i’m terrified of who i’ll become with you
i’m just scared
the world hates you and it’s gonna hate me too

the whole world hates us
the whole world hates our song
but still we sing
but still we sing along

so here i am
a wary heart and trembling hands
waiting for the words to leave your lips
so here i am
a wary heart and trembling hands
waiting for the words to leave your lips

(this could be the hardest step that i’ll take)

here i am
a wary heart and trembling hands
waiting for the words to leave your lips
(this could be the hardest step that i’ll take)

the whole world hates us
the whole world hates our song
but still we sing
but still we sing along
(’cause i’m just scared of losing control
i’m terrified of who i’ll become with you
i’m just scared
the world hates you and it’s gonna hate me too)



{February 23, 2009}   Perelandara

Perelandara is one of my favorite books. It’s by C.S. Lewis (you know, the guy who wrote Chronicles of Narnia). This book is classified as science-fiction (which I usually don’t enjoy), but I like it for it’s spiritual depth.

Perelandara is the second book in a trilogy that focuses on the lead character, Ransom. In the first book, Ransom is taken to Mars against his will; the last book focuses on Earth. This book focuses on the planet Venus. Ransom is sent to Venus, by God, to complete a task. He is not told what this task is.

When Ransom lands on Venus, he finds the planet maily uninhabited. He eventually meets a woman (who is green); she is searching for her king. Through conversation, Ransom realizes that this woman and the king are the only inhabitants of this island. He has been sent to a planet that is at his beginning. This beginning almost directly parallels the garden of Eden. The green lady has been given only one commandment by God; she is not to ever sleep on the mainland, but rather spend her days on the ever-abundant floating islands. These islands are paradise. There is no shortage of food, nor water, and there are several species of animals that do her bidding. Although she is not allowed to stay on the mainland, she is able to visit it. Ransom and she go to the mainland, where Ransom discovers the man who had kidnapped him and taken him to Mars. This  man is a ruthless scientist, who believes in the furtherance of the human race, no matter what the cost to other planets. Ransom feels the need to protect the green lady, so he  convinces her to go back to an island.

Ransom and Weston have a long conversation. Weston relays his belief in a ‘higher power’ that is giving him strength and bidding him to explore new planets. Ransom tries to convince Weston that not all higher powers or spirits are good, and that it sounds like he’s working for the devil. Weston, in his attempt to prove his stance, calls the spirit to come fully into him. It is at this point that Weston changes dramatically. His movements become wooden, and artificial. His face has a weird expression; he never ‘looks quite right’. He is possesed.

What follows is an intense struggle as Ransom tries to counteract the lies with which the now possesed Weston, the Un-Man, tries to poison the lady of Venus. This continues for countless days and nights in which the Un-Man tries to convince the Lady to go to and stay on the fixed land. The Un-Man is very cunning and and nearly convinces the Lady to listen to him. My favorite part of this argument is when Ransom tries to explain the garden of Eden to the Lady to convince her that the Un-Man did not have her best interest at heart. The Un-Man tries to convince her that the Fall had its advantages by telling her that God himself came down as a man, and how could she not want that? Ransom lost his temper. “why don’t you tell her about that day when he died? why don’t you tell her how that made you feel? About how he defeated you and you no longer have the power you once did?!”

Throughout this time, Ransom is continually thinking to himself that this can’t go on. Then God confirms this in an almost audible voice. He feels God telling him to end this, to end the Un-Man. The devil’s only foothold in this place, was his invitation from Weston. If Weston were elminated, the problem would be too. He is of course, relcutant to do this. The Un-Man already made him nervous, the idea of touching it repulsed him. The idea of fighting it, trying to kill it, was almost too much for him to bear. He decided to disobey and beg for forgiveness later. There was no way he could handle this. Then from, the stillness of the night he hears a whisper, “It’s not for nothing you were named Ransom.” Being a philologist, Ransom always thought his name was a coincidence. He knew where it stemmed from; he could trace the history of the word. The thought that God ordained his name, even ordained how it would shape and change into a word that meant what it did, was an incredible thought to him.

“My name is Ransom too”.He heard the voice again.  Then it occurred to him. If he did not end this, if the green lady gave in, a similar effect would occurr as did on earth (The Fall). And a similar redemption would occur. As he pondered this more and more, he started to see that not everything was the same here as the garden of Eden. Would then, perhaps, the redemption be different? Could it even be worse? Of course that must be it… How could he leave this task and ask his Savior to endure a second time? He set his mind to complete this task. God reminded him He would not leave him. So Ransom set out to kill the Un-Man…

This whole book is a reminder to me of God’s sovereignty. It’s also a good reminder of how important obedience is. I’m always so quick to ignore a command from God, knowing that I’ll be forgiven later. There are indeed consquences to our actions, much like Ransom was able to see when he heard from God. I love C.S. Lewis’ works. I always feel the need to read them over ad over again, because there is always something to be seen the second, third or even fourth time you pick up one of his books again. I recommend that you read Perelandara (even if you don’t want to read the whole series). The spiritual lessons that can be learned from this book are innumerable. The contrast between light and darkness is a recurrent theme in Lewis’ books, and, I believe, a very important thing to study.



{February 17, 2009}   directionless…

I write and I write
seemingly to no one
but also to everyone

some sit in my journal
in the permanency of ink
on the frailty of paper

some are sent into cyber space
where the reverberations are seldom felt

some are spoken through tears
some are whispered
some are said through fits of giggles

some are never shared
they sit in my mind
what shouldn’t be thought
and should never ever be shared

all my thoughts and feelings overwhelm
as if the very air I breathe is drowning my lungs in my own incapabilities
my incapacity to choose

suspended between two worlds
never committing
between waking and sleeping, I’ve found my place



{July 12, 2008}   July 12th

So, its been another year. I love looking back over years in my life, seeing how much I’ve grown, how much I haven’t grown, what I’ve accomplished (if anything).

I’ve had this blog for over a year now; that’s a weird thought. In this time, I’ve had 3 jobs (at least), I’ve graduated from Harford (finally!) and I’ve actually gone on my own cell phone plan. (!)

A few days ago I stumbled upon another blog I had for a little while. I mainly whined and moaned on that blog; I never shared it with anyone as it was more of an online journal. Anyway, some of the stuff bothering me then, still bothers me today. But I feel like I have more justification these days to be unhappy compared to a year ago. This of course is my pride in thinking my life sucks more and that my whining is ‘more mature’ as compared to then (does that even make logical sense? whining being mature?).

On the bright side, God has matured me in a few areas, and that gives me hope that I can still turn my life around. He’s also blessed me with closer friends than I had before (see previous post).

I’m grateful God has stretched me. Sure it’s tough as hell sometimes, but God is growing me into something beautiful. And that encourages me.

So in looking over the past year, being a pessimist, I see the bad. Life has been difficult. But I also see the good. God has been incredibly faithful to me. He has “never left me, nor forsaken me”.

It’s also ironic that the verses I put on my first post, are verses I still cling to. (Phil 1:6, Jer 29:11)

God’s doing a lot, he always is, even if we can’t see it. I’m just grateful for milestones like birthdays that make us look back and reevaluate what has happenned in the past year. It’s something I need to do more often.



Silhouettes, they all show…

This will pass like yesterday,
The rain will come and wash away,
And fill me with your sweet sweet air,
I cried out and you were there,

Like the wind that I cannot see,
But I know it’s there right in front of me,
You’re everywhere, oh oh oh,
You’re everywhere…

I cried wolf to you again,
And then denied this in my head,
Cause I ran to the other side,
Only to then change my mind

Like the wind that I cannot see,
But I know it’s there right in front of me,
You’re everywhere, oh oh oh,
You’re everywhere,
What if I follow?
What if I break?
I’m living my life so I’ll make my mistakes,
You’re everywhere, oh oh oh,
You’re everywhere

Silhouettes, they all show…

I’m losing myself again,
And your patient with me,
I’m building these walls again,
Please rescue me,

Silhouettes, they all show,
Silhouettes, would you let me know?

Like the wind that I cannot see,
But I know it’s there right in front of me,
You’re everywhere, oh oh oh,
You’re everywhere,
What if I follow?
What if I break?
I’m living my life, I will make my mistakes,
You’re everywhere, oh oh oh,
You’re everywhere,

Oh, oh,

Silhouettes, they all show…



{February 21, 2008}   Original

 

I was inspired by the “church kids” who have grown up with God being about their parents faith. They’re the kids no one likes to talk about. They’re the kids everyone talks about. They are stuck in the rut of their sin, just as we are. Their sin is self-destructive, just as ours is. Theirs is just more apparent and their need to change is more urgent, but I feel at a lost as to how to help them. What follows, I feel, expresses what these children are going through, how they would describe their feelings if they could, if they even wanted to.

 

We are the kids…

Who sweep it under the rug

Who don’t know how to explain it all to our parents

Who hate the rules in place

Who rebel in secret

Who have the truth

            And subsequently reject it

 

We are the kids who don’t want to understand

Don’t want to share

Who are forced to be here

Who try to do the impossible:

            Love the world

            while

            Loving God

 

We are the kids you whisper about

Whose mothers cry over

Our fathers hang their heads in shame

We are the kids some say cast a bad name on the church

We are the kids you wish would “go back to their old selves”

The kids you wish would change

We are the kids who need your help and don’t know it

The kids who wouldn’t know how to ask for help

            If we even knew we were in over our heads, drowning

Will you help us?

  

Father,

How do we help these children without being judgmental? How do we reach out to them without pushing them away? They need you just as we do. They are falling into rebellion and only you can save them. Use us as your instruments. Amen.



{November 11, 2007}   Helpful Lyrics

Don’t wanna accept
What I’ve become

I don’t wanna be
Who I was back then…
Hold the door for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your whispers echo off the walls
And you can hear my distant calls
The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out “someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black
Wade through the depths and bring me back”

I have not been abandoned
No I have not been deserted
and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You’re the only thing I want
Cause you’re everything I need

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And I don’t know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing is real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it’s never really over

And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I’m still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know

It’s never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I’m still standing here
Three months and I’m getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it’s still harder now
Three months I’ve been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I’m still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers



{October 2, 2007}  

As she’s running the race, she stumbles and falls.

She lay there, unsure of her ability to get up.

Lifting her head, she saw them cheering for her. Resolute, she struggled up and stumbled on.

As she ran, she felt the joy of following the path so graciously chosen for her, but it wasn’t long before, once again, she lost her balance.

She lay, face down in the pavement, trying to decide what to do. Her legs were burning, her back aching. Laying there seemed beneficial to her body. She could feel herself relaxing. It was over. She would lose, but at least the pain of continuing had stopped. Painfully lifting her scraped and bloodied face, she looked up.

Then she saw his eyes. The mixture of pity, encouragement and love broke through her hardened heart. She knew she should get up and continue. It was her intended purpose.

Instead, she lay there, as the race continued on, torn between the comfort of the pavement and the encouragement in his eyes.



{July 28, 2007}   Spiritual Gifts

Pursue love, and earnestly desire the spiritual gifts, especially that you may prophesy… the one who prophesies speaks to people for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation. 1 Corinthians 14: 1,3 [ESV]

I’ve been thinking about this verse a lot lately. I love hearing how the Spirit speaks directly to people; it’s so encouraging to me. Last night, after care group, I was discussing various manifestations of the Spirit that I’ve experienced, and listening to the those around me tell me of how they have likewise been encouraged. It was a wonderful time of fellowship. These verses in Corinthians were running through my head as we talked. What most excites me about these verses is God wants us to desire prophesy. He wants to pour his grace out on us; he wants us to be encouraged with his presence. I want to ‘eagerly desire’ them once more. I believe that if everyone in the body of Christ put this verse to practice, if they didn’t just think, “Sure, God, if you give me something I’ll share it”, but if they asked God to specifically prophesy, if they listened for his voice, if they pursued him on this fully and wholeheartedly, he will do great things in the church.

This gift is to be earnestly desired, so shouldn’t we do so?

In my own life, I’ve had a fear of this. At a young age, I’ve felt God pulling on my heart in this area. Though sometimes I obeyed and shared, I mostly kept them to myself out of fear of man and fear of the gift of prophesy. I regret ignoring the voice of God nearly everyday! The first time I ignored his voice it was hard, the second time it was easier, and so on, to the point where I had almost forgotten what his voice sounded like. I missed ‘the symphony of his whisper in my soul’.

I had forgotten this important truth:

The one who prophesies speaks to people for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation.

If God gives me something to share with someone, I shouldn’t focus on myself, I should focus on the encouragement that it will bring them. (Not to say that it will not encourage me, quite the opposite actually).

How many times have I been encouraged by prophesies spoken over me? The reminder that God knows my inner thoughts, that he’s here, has been invaluable to me.

What are you doing to earnestly desire the gift of prophesy?

 



et cetera