As Absurd as Soup for Breakfast at 2 in the Afternoon

I haven’t posted in forever. Sorry. [Do people even read this anyway?]

There’s been a lot going on in my life, but God has been faithful…. For the longest time, I felt so creatively stifled, but I’ve finally been able to start writing again, so I’m posting 2 of my poems. The first I just wrote (like 15 minutes ago). It’s going straight from paper to this blog. The second, I’ve had for a long time. For me, it’s intensely personal, but I’m going to post it anyway. Both of these come from a place inside of me that I rarely show to other people, so please understand that they may seem a little strange…

I want things to be the way they used to be

But what was the way they used to be?

Didn’t I hate life then?

Struggling, fighting to survive

To shake my dependencies

To no longer feel alone

To finally feel contentment?

Why must this life be categorized by fights and struggles?

By deep sorrow and sadness

By depression, despair and fatigue?

Why must I hate everyone and everything around me?

Why must I love what I should hate?

Why do I not turn to what truly satisfies?

This indwelling sin and reluctance gets old

Why can’t I kill it?

Why don’t I want to kill it?

Why do I fight with the truth?

An uphill battle, not worth fighting

One I will always lose…

PW

You still mean the world to me

I have no idea why

I can’t let you go

I need to

But every fiber in my being screams out

NO!

what will life be like without you?

I forget you, then there you are again

sometimes I wish I had never heard of you

this obsession should stop

but it is my driving force

why can’t I let you go?

I miss you, but I can’t stand how you make me feel

Your words are empty

I don’t need you to stand on my own feet

what you offer will not satisfy

I must turn to what truly satisfies

you, however, are not part of that equation

and you never will be

you do not hold my joy

you increase my pain

you say we “get off on being down”

masochistic

you exasperate my negativity

you are a broken man

but you helped me

and I love you for that

but you hurt me

I could look past that

but because the hurt continues

because I’ve become good at shadowing your thoughts

I can’t get over this

you’ve gotten in my mind because I let you in

invitation only

and you got yours

1^st class, rush delivery

and you don’t even want it to help me

you want it for yourself

a slice of comfort in your deliciously masochistic life

you will not devour me

I will prevail

Never forgetting you

always pressing on

never forgetting my ability to live without you

never forgetting your inability to live without me, without all of us

you must find a true cornerstone to lean on

we will always let you down

“the Bible in the drawer never did anything for you”

because you never let it

you chose to ignore it

it did not choose to ignore you

you are prideful, arrogant and broken

never able to stand on your own feet

leaning on the empty praise of others

a pied piper, you lead us on

never accepting our tragic end

thinking always of yourself

loving how it makes you feel

forgetting that our joy, and yours, will be temporary and fleeting

when will you see that?

when will you see that you do not hold the key?

you see your inadequacies, but your warnings of yourself are not strong enough

 

I was inspired by the “church kids” who have grown up with God being about their parents faith. They’re the kids no one likes to talk about. They’re the kids everyone talks about. They are stuck in the rut of their sin, just as we are. Their sin is self-destructive, just as ours is. Theirs is just more apparent and their need to change is more urgent, but I feel at a lost as to how to help them. What follows, I feel, expresses what these children are going through, how they would describe their feelings if they could, if they even wanted to.

 

We are the kids…

Who sweep it under the rug

Who don’t know how to explain it all to our parents

Who hate the rules in place

Who rebel in secret

Who have the truth

            And subsequently reject it

 

We are the kids who don’t want to understand

Don’t want to share

Who are forced to be here

Who try to do the impossible:

            Love the world

            while

            Loving God

 

We are the kids you whisper about

Whose mothers cry over

Our fathers hang their heads in shame

We are the kids some say cast a bad name on the church

We are the kids you wish would “go back to their old selves”

The kids you wish would change

We are the kids who need your help and don’t know it

The kids who wouldn’t know how to ask for help

            If we even knew we were in over our heads, drowning

Will you help us?

  

Father,

How do we help these children without being judgmental? How do we reach out to them without pushing them away? They need you just as we do. They are falling into rebellion and only you can save them. Use us as your instruments. Amen.

Don’t wanna accept
What I’ve become

I don’t wanna be
Who I was back then…
Hold the door for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your whispers echo off the walls
And you can hear my distant calls
The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out “someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black
Wade through the depths and bring me back”

I have not been abandoned
No I have not been deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You’re the only thing I want
Cause you’re everything I need

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And I don’t know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing is real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it’s never really over

And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I’m still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know

It’s never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I’m still standing here
Three months and I’m getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it’s still harder now
Three months I’ve been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I’m still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

As she’s running the race, she stumbles and falls.

She lay there, unsure of her ability to get up.

Lifting her head, she saw them cheering for her. Resolute, she struggled up and stumbled on.

As she ran, she felt the joy of following the path so graciously chosen for her, but it wasn’t long before, once again, she lost her balance.

She lay, face down in the pavement, trying to decide what to do. Her legs were burning, her back aching. Laying there seemed beneficial to her body. She could feel herself relaxing. It was over. She would lose, but at least the pain of continuing had stopped. Painfully lifting her scraped and bloodied face, she looked up.

Then she saw his eyes. The mixture of pity, encouragement and love broke through her hardened heart. She knew she should get up and continue. It was her intended purpose.

Instead, she lay there, as the race continued on, torn between the comfort of the pavement and the encouragement in his eyes.

I haven’t posted in awhile because I’ve had nothing to say. Things have been tough. In my first post, I said I’d record my failures in my spiritual journey. Well, here’s my opportunity.

In my quest to make God my central focus and not music, I’ve been failing miserably. I miss it so much, you have no idea. The music is back, almost completely. There was a band I felt God wanted me to give up, that I’m listening to alot… But there’s another band that would more than likely signify my complete backsliding that I haven’t listened to yet. I feel that some of the music I gave up could actually come back without negative consequences, but I don’t want just some of it, I want all of it.

I’ve found the place where I feel I belong. Is that so wrong?

I’m loving the journals, gosh, they’ve been updating a lot. And their words are incredibly drawing, their words are so compelling. They just fit. I can’t even describe it.

As I sit here, thinking over it all. I don’t even know how to feel. My first reaction is to hide it under the rug, pretend there is no problem and to keep going. But I can’t. I feel like I’m on ‘pause’ while the rest of my life is on ‘play’. It’s incredibly irritating, incredibly hard to bear.

This is not a good place to be in at all, but part of me loves the familiarity. I’m used to living with that uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. Why change now?

You know, all of my good qualities? – they’re an almost direct result of my desire to emulate these men/women. But some of my bad qualities stem from my involvement in this scene, I can admit that

What’s wrong with wanting to belong to something bigger than myself? What’s wrong with accepting the positive of this scene, while rejecting the negative?

I feel that I’m almost there, I was so close to striking a perfect balance, but then the scales tipped and resulted in my downfall.

Even though this will solidify my position as a nerd, this description from The Fellowship of the Ring perfectly sums it up: I feel like I stand on the edge of a knife, if I stray but a little, I will fall, to the ruin of myself.

[For the record, that quote was very butchered in an attempt to make it fit, okay? So don't worry, I know what it really is...]

Last night, I had my care group over to discuss with each other the wonders God worked in our lives at The Clash. God’s spirit was moving and it was amazing. The ever-present reminder of his presence is a great reminder of his faithfulness.    Since I have come back from the Clash, the spiritual warfare that I’ve been encountering has at times been overwhelming, but even in this, I am reminded of God’s promise to me in 2 Timothy 1:7, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control.”

I know that meditating on this verse, and holding onto its promise will help me through the spiritual battles that I encounter. If you think of me, please pray for me in this. It’s easy to become weary and frightened.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God has another great promise for me: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Was insane. I can’t even describe it. Though eventually I will try. I’m thinking a 24-part blog series. Ha ha ha…

God showed me so much about myself while I was there, he also showed me alot about his people. But I’m most excited that he showed me about himself, because he’s the most important thing in my life. (well, at least he should be)

All the speakers at the Clash were extremely humble men. They were all very smart and had reason to be proud, but they weren’t. That stuck in my mind more than any lecture could. I was also struck with their passion. You could tell they loved talking about God, about theology, doctrine, apologetics and philosophy, but their excitement for those things was nothing compared to the passion in their voices when they recounted the Gospel. That’s one of the main things I took away from this amazing conference.

What did you learn at the Clash?

Pursue love, and earnestly desire the spiritual gifts, especially that you may prophesy… the one who prophesies speaks to people for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation. 1 Corinthians 14: 1,3 [ESV]

I’ve been thinking about this verse a lot lately. I love hearing how the Spirit speaks directly to people; it’s so encouraging to me. Last night, after care group, I was discussing various manifestations of the Spirit that I’ve experienced, and listening to the those around me tell me of how they have likewise been encouraged. It was a wonderful time of fellowship. These verses in Corinthians were running through my head as we talked. What most excites me about these verses is God wants us to desire prophesy. He wants to pour his grace out on us; he wants us to be encouraged with his presence. I want to ‘eagerly desire’ them once more. I believe that if everyone in the body of Christ put this verse to practice, if they didn’t just think, “Sure, God, if you give me something I’ll share it”, but if they asked God to specifically prophesy, if they listened for his voice, if they pursued him on this fully and wholeheartedly, he will do great things in the church.

This gift is to be earnestly desired, so shouldn’t we do so?

In my own life, I’ve had a fear of this. At a young age, I’ve felt God pulling on my heart in this area. Though sometimes I obeyed and shared, I mostly kept them to myself out of fear of man and fear of the gift of prophesy. I regret ignoring the voice of God nearly everyday! The first time I ignored his voice it was hard, the second time it was easier, and so on, to the point where I had almost forgotten what his voice sounded like. I missed ‘the symphony of his whisper in my soul’.

I had forgotten this important truth:

The one who prophesies speaks to people for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation.

If God gives me something to share with someone, I shouldn’t focus on myself, I should focus on the encouragement that it will bring them. (Not to say that it will not encourage me, quite the opposite actually).

How many times have I been encouraged by prophesies spoken over me? The reminder that God knows my inner thoughts, that he’s here, has been invaluable to me.

What are you doing to earnestly desire the gift of prophesy?

 

Two days ago was my birthday, and I had the privilege of my care group (Bible study) sharing evidences of God’s grace in my life after our meeting.

I always find this awkward… it feels a little strange for person after person to tell you how they see God working in your life.

But I was so encouraged!

I loved finding out that the times I confessed things in care group, I encouraged other people! I sometimes feel awful for monopolizing the time, I think, “oh, great, it was ‘Rachel-night’… I need to talk less”. It never occurred to me that those times can be encouraging to other people. (Why I didn’t think of this, I do not know, considering I am always encouraged when other people share their struggles in care group).

My brothers and sisters in Christ pointed out things in my life, that I wasn’t even aware of, and what I loved about it, is that it was understood that it’s not me, it is God’s grace in my life. How kind of Him to pour out his grace on me, and change me, a sinner, who sometimes wants nothing to do with Him!

I was blown away and encouraged, and I don’t know what I’d do without the wonderful people in my care group!

Two weeks ago my pastor preached a sermon on worldliness. As I was contemplating this choice of topic before the service began, I was a little nervous because I knew that I would be convicted on this. I’ve heard sermons on worldliness many times (including a 3-day conference!), so I knew what was coming, and, I confess, I did not want to hear it.

As I was listening to the verses (James 4:1-10), I was particularly struck with verse 4:

“You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.” [ESV, emphasis added]

I had never considered this in relation to my motives. Sure, I want to be a part of the world, but it never occurred to me that just the desire was a sin. After hearing that, I knew that what I was involved in was a problem. I also knew what God was calling me to do (once again).

Over memorial day weekend I attended a Christian conference called New Attitude. The theme was discernment, and one of the messages was discernment in relation to culture. I was very convicted by this sermon because I love my music culture. I’ve nearly completely immersed myself in the “scene” and almost everything that goes with it.

Usually, when I explain that to people, they have a hard time understanding what I mean by “scene” or “emo”, so I will try to explain this to the best of my ability. After scouring the culture wasteland known as urbandictionary.com, I have chosen (in my opinion) the best definition of an emo kid:

1) The fans of emo music (emocore, emotional hardcore), a music genre consisting of hardcore rock with angsty lyrics and a good dose of screaming. The singers/screamers of emo music are typically relatively young guys with feminine voices. Emo bands are also (in stereotype) primarily from New Jersey.

2) The style of clothing stereotypically worn by fans of emo music. This consists of, in general: tight band t-shirts or vintage 80’s t-shirts, longer (messy) hair often died black, tight (usual girl’s) pants, shoes by Vans or Converse, messenger bags, anything checkered (usually black-and-white or black-and-pink), studded belts, thick-framed glasses, neckties, etc.
(Note: girl emo kids often cut their hair short in the back and angled down in the front, less often died black)

3) The mood that stereotypically displays being an emo kid. They are generally considered the subculture of high-school, and while sometimes referred to as manic depressive or “cutters,” are usually quite social. Very romantic, often downtrodden. More realistically, teenagers who listen to heavy music and have no qualms with displaying their emotions. (ie, don’t feel the need to prove themselves as “bad-@$$,” like many rock fans.)

Emo kids listen to many of the following bands: Thursday, Death Cab for Cutie, UnderOath, Fall Out Boy, Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance, As Cities Burn, etc.

There is, of course, a very negative side to this scene. Following your emotions constantly can lead to big problems. The most commonly thought of negative things in the scene include: cutting, suicide, sex, and homosexuality. While I am not involved in any of these things, I am very arrogant in thinking that I will never be pulled into them. If I am walking down this road of “emo-ness”, what makes me think I can stop before the really negative things encompass me?

I’ve been discussing these convictions for some time now with my care group. They always encourage me and exhort me to give them up so I can follow God fully. I’ve always been hesitant. This past Thursday’s meeting, I finally saw the depth of this sin. I had made my music, a musician, a man who is just as messed up as I am, my ‘god’. He became my comfort, what I clung to. He always said that he wanted to “create a culture that people felt they could be a part of”, well, good job, man, you did that in my life and it nearly ruined my relationship with God.

I’ve always had a hard time connecting head knowledge with my heart. I can never seem to apply anything, but this time it’s different. I gave over $500 worth of band merch/cd’s/posters/shirts/hoodies to a friend to keep for me until I feel I can take them back without making an idol out of all of it. To be honest, I don’t feel I’ll ever be able to take some of it back. Some of the lyrics of bands that I adore, are way too rebellious to continue to listen to. With that in mind, keeping the clothes and jewelry that represents those views would be hypocritical (talk about being a poser…), so I’ll more than likely sell all of it on ebay (anyone interested in an old Arma Angelus cd and poster?).

If you have suggestions for Christian music (hardcore, emo, punk or even more mellow stuff) let me know!